My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
