my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
