imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
