I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I intend to get homeless drunk
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I party with great urgency now.
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