i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
