i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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