Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
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