ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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