All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
