We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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