wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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