whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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