I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
