There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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