First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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