I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
