Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
