Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
