I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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