Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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