Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
