Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
