I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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