My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
