Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize