This is not my ceiling
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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