ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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