My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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