the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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