just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
