Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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