Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
so much tequila, so little girl.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize