Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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