You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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