Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
