There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
