My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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