there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
