Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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