i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
