The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
