Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You ruined the universe
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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