laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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