there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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