I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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