My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
