this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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