i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
