And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
