I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
