Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
