if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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