Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
