i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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