Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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