Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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