i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
