There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
