Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize