My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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