He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
