someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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