and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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