ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
