Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
