remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
