Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Nobody cheats on THIS.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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