We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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