I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
i think i just lost a toe
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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