He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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