I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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