i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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